Excerpts From A Journal
by memarkw
Summary: Xander never talks about his old friend, Jessie. Just how important was that friendship to him?


Title: Excerpts from His Journal  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Author: Mark Warneke  
  
eMail: memarkw@yahoo.com  
  
Spoilers: Spoilers from almost every season, through  
  
season 6.  
  
Disclaimer: If you are reading this and think that these  
  
characters are my own creation, you don't belong  
  
here...it's all property of Joss Whedon, et al.  
  
____________________________________________  
  
The following are excerpts from the journals of Alexander  
  
Lavelle Harris, discovered by his grandchildren shortly  
  
after his death. In all, there were over 750 complete  
  
journals found. The dates shown may be incorrect, as Mr  
  
Harris' handwriting was not always legible and guesses may  
  
have been made as to what these dates actually were. The  
  
journals from his later years have no dates. There was  
  
apparently a close friend, a young man named Jesse, that  
  
died in his early high school years. No records of his death  
  
are found, and he was seldom spoken of by Mr. or Mrs.   
  
Harris. The nature of this friendship seemed to be of   
  
great importance to the author. Many great adventures,  
  
all worthy of their own books, were found in these  
  
journals; yet, it was this mysterious friendship that  
  
intrigued his grandchildren.   
  
# #  
  
September 6, 98  
  
This new English teacher, Oates, wants us to keep a  
  
journal, to just write a few thoughts in it each day.   
  
Sounds dumb if you ask me, but I have to turn it in for a  
  
grade at the end of the year, so I'm writing. Writing,  
  
writing, writing, writing, writing, writing. Did I say  
  
this is a dumb idea? Well, it is. Imagine me, Alexander  
  
Lavelle Harris, keeping a diary! Ok, that's a paragraph.   
  
Good for one day.  
  
# #  
  
September 16, 98  
  
So, Oates tells us we don't have to write everyday. Just  
  
every few days, as long as we're writing meaningful  
  
stuff. Our choice. Write fluff (whatever the hell that  
  
means!) everyday, or meaningful stuff every few days. I  
  
can do meaningful. Really, I can. Watch. My best  
  
friends are Willow and Buffy. Not so hard, Xan man!   
  
Jesse was my best friend until he died. Not died, but I  
  
know what I mean. I miss him a lot sometimes. Sometimes  
  
I feel bad because I don't think of him more often. Him  
  
and Brian both. Brian was another friend in junior high.   
  
He died in the war. I haven't seen Jesse's mom in a  
  
while. I think I'll stop by just to tell her hi later on.  
  
# #  
  
September 17, 98  
  
What a day. Cordelia Chase is such a bitch! Enough about  
  
her. Willow looked kind of cute in that sweater, the  
  
rainbow one. This should be meaningful. Ok. I wrote  
  
about Jesse last time. That was meaningful. What can I  
  
say about him? I met him in first grade. He was picking  
  
on Willow and I stuck up for her and then he became our  
  
friend. God. We were so easy back then. I miss him. I  
  
remember once when I was going to steal something from the  
  
7-11. A comic book, I think. He told me that he would  
  
tell on me if I did. That really made me mad, you know?   
  
Some friend he was. I guess he really was a friend after  
  
all. It's funny how we look back on things and remember  
  
how much more important they were then we ever thought.   
  
Oates said something like that today, that this might seem  
  
like a pain right now, but that in a few years we would be  
  
glad we did because it was important to remember.  
  
# #  
  
September 25, 98  
  
I went and saw Jesse's mom today. More later.  
  
# #  
  
September 26, 98  
  
I couldn't write yesterday. I saw Jesse's mom. It's  
  
been more than two years and she still cries. I didn't  
  
tell her that I want to cry every now and then. She  
  
showed me some of his old stuff that she had kept. She  
  
gave me some of it. She showed me a journal he kept for   
  
a while. Ironic, as G-man would say, that I was so annoyed  
  
at the thought of having to do this and it turns out that  
  
Jesse did it himself. I think the ironic part is that I  
  
wouldn't be thinking so much about him, or gone to have  
  
seen his mom, if it wasn't for this book. Anyway. He  
  
wrote in it during our 6th grade year that I was his best  
  
friend. That I was like his brother. Cool, huh? I never  
  
really thought about it, but it was true. I was closer to  
  
him than I was to Willow even. There's nothing Willow  
  
doesn't know about me, and I was closer to him than that.   
  
I mean, come on, we learned guy things together, if you  
  
know what I mean. And, no, it didn't make us gay. That  
  
was funny. Really funny. We were pretty worried about  
  
what would happen if anyone ever found out, and then no  
  
one ever did. And then there was the time I had that  
  
crush on Willow. I couldn't tell anyone but J about it.   
  
He understood totally. He told me to tell her, but I just  
  
couldn't and he didn't pressure me about it. I grew out  
  
of that. Mostly. Wow. Look how much I wrote. That's  
  
enough to cover me for a week!  
  
# #  
  
September 29, 98  
  
I know I was going to wait a week, but I needed to write.   
  
I almost died today. Some...thing...attacked me and if  
  
Buffy hadn't been there, I would have died. It bothered  
  
me. Not the dying part, but what I was thinking. I  
  
thought about my friends and the things I wanted to tell  
  
them. I thought about what an ass my dad is and that I  
  
love him anyway but never told him. I thought about the  
  
Barbie I took from Willow and the broken crayon. And I  
  
thought about Jesse. I wondered if he thought about  
  
things like that when he was...when he died. I miss him.   
  
I mean, I want to cry because I miss him so much. Will  
  
and Buffy are great and I wouldn't trade them for the  
  
world, but I miss having a guy to talk to. Willow told me  
  
the other day that I should try to make friends with  
  
Angel. HA!!! Right. I wonder if I'll ever have a friend  
  
like J again? A guy friend. When we were in the 8th  
  
grade, we did the blood brother thing. We saw it on some  
  
TV show. I think it was 8 is Enough or one of those  
  
really old shows. We were too chicken shit to cut  
  
ourselves, so we got a thumb tack and poked our fingers.   
  
Man, that hurt! I can only imagine trying to really cut  
  
our palms. We pricked our fingers, then spit on them,  
  
then rubbed them together and called each other "blood  
  
brother." In the end, I let him down. I couldn't  
  
stop them from getting him. I couldn't even end it for  
  
him. I'm such a wuss. Great. I'm crying.  
  
# #  
  
October 3, 98  
  
This book's going to be for J. I just reread what I've  
  
written and it's all about him, so I'll just keep it up.   
  
I can't turn it in to the teacher because there's so much  
  
that no one can know. I guess I'll just have to make  
  
another one with fake meaningful things in it for a grade.  
  
I can tie that into a Jesse story. Our freshman  
  
year, we had to write a paper about someone important to  
  
us. J wrote his about my dad. All it said was that if my  
  
dad wasn't such a rotten bastard, I probably wouldn't  
  
spend so much time with him, J, so he was thankful that my  
  
dad was the way he was, just so that he, J, could have me  
  
in his life. It was kind of sappy, and I didn't mean to  
  
make fun of it, but I was a kid. I told him it sounded  
  
like he was in love with me, so he tore it up and wrote  
  
that the most important person in his life was his dog.   
  
Looking back, if Jess hadn't been there for me during all  
  
that shit with my dad, I might not have been around this  
  
long, you know?  
  
# #  
  
May 1, 99  
  
Jesse, old buddy, old pal, I got laid!  
  
# #  
  
May 22, 99  
  
J would have loved this. Here we are, hours away from  
  
getting out of this place, and we might die in the  
  
process. He always said school was going to kill us! He  
  
would have laughed to find out how right he was. He was a  
  
great guy. This is one of those days that I miss him the  
  
most. We finished grade school together, junior high  
  
together, and he should be here today! What kind of god  
  
is manipulating our lives that my best friend, my brother,  
  
isn't here on what would have been the most important day  
  
of our lives?  
  
# #  
  
August 20, 99  
  
Wouldn't you know it? I ran off and traveled around all  
  
summer and forgot to bring this book with me. Well, what  
  
can I say? This was going to be a class project that I  
  
didn't want to do and now I'm on the 3rd notebook full.   
  
So much happened. I don't know what to write about. If I  
  
tried to put just some of it in here, it would take 10 notebooks.   
  
I thought about J a lot this summer. We used to talk  
  
about getting a car and driving all over the country when  
  
we graduated high school and then rooming together in  
  
college. I wonder how disappointed he'd be in me if he  
  
knew I wasn't going to college. I'm just going to get a job.   
  
It was hard enough getting through high school, even with  
  
Willow's help. I'm just not a studier. Who has time to  
  
study when we're running around helping Buffy out all the  
  
time? Ok, ok, Willow has time, but who else? Cordelia  
  
ran off to Los Angeles. She thinks she's going to be an  
  
actress. Angel's there, too. Wouldn't it be a trip if  
  
they ended up together? Like that would ever happen. I  
  
mentioned Cordy because Jesse used to say that she could be  
  
a model or an actress. He was a smart guy. Wish he was  
  
here.  
  
# #  
  
Nov 13, 99  
  
Buffy's dating an army guy. I saw them together and  
  
started thinking about when Jesse and me would play war  
  
games. We watched that movie - War Games - on TV one  
  
night, like 2 in the morning. He said that if he was the  
  
army guy, he would have just ordered the computer blown  
  
up! He would have liked watching the old high school  
  
explode! Anyway, I wonder if he would have joined the  
  
army. I've thought about joining lately. It just  
  
wouldn't be the same without him. I think that every time  
  
I was supposed to do something, I would just start  
  
thinking about him. Will I ever outgrow this? Will I  
  
ever stop thinking about J every time I see something that  
  
reminds me of him? God, I hope not.  
  
# #  
  
May, 2001  
  
Buffy died last night. I mean, really died, gone for good  
  
dead. I cried. We all cried. When Jesse died, I didn't  
  
let anyone see me cry and no one cried with me. Was  
  
Buffy such a better person than J that she deserves more  
  
tears?   
  
# #  
  
(No dates are found in these journals from this point out.   
  
No explanation is given.)  
  
Buffy's back. Willow brought her back. You know, that's  
  
the 2nd time she's come back to life. Angel even got to  
  
come back once. Why couldn't we do that for Jesse? Even  
  
if we could have just given him his soul back, he hadn't killed  
  
anyone yet, so there wouldn't be the grief and anguish that  
  
Angel had to go through. No one even suggested it. No  
  
one ever talks about him, but I think about him every day.  
  
# #  
  
I didn't get married. I couldn't go through with it. All  
  
I could think about was ending up like my dad and treating  
  
Anya like shit. I just couldn't do that to her. I've been a  
  
little depressed because I wish that Jesse was here to  
  
be my best man. If he was here though, I would  
  
have gotten married. He would have kept me from becoming  
  
like my dad. I wrote two or three years ago that I didn't  
  
have any guy friends that I was close to. I still don't.   
  
There's Giles, but he's more like a father figure or  
  
something. For awhile, I kind of thought that maybe Riley  
  
and me could be friends, good friends, but then he ran  
  
off in the middle of the night. So, no good guy influence   
  
in my life to keep me from turning out like dear old dad.  
  
No guys, no wives, nothing.  
  
# #  
  
Tara's dead and Buffy almost died - again. This time,  
  
there's no bringing anyone back though. I guess Willow  
  
could have brought Tara back, but she kind of went psycho.  
  
Hell, no kind of about it - she DID go psycho! She killed  
  
Warren, tried to kill all of us, and tried to destroy the world.   
  
I stopped her. As crazy as it sounds, J was there with me.   
  
I put myself in front of her and she started zapping me.   
  
She was going to kill me. I was ready to give up and I  
  
heard Jesse telling me to tell her about the crayon, that  
  
stupid broken crayon that she cried about. Every time I  
  
was knocked down, Jesse was in my ear, telling me to get  
  
back up. In the end, she lost. I think she lost a lot.   
  
She lost Tara and she lost herself. I worry about her,  
  
but she has friends, all of us to help her. Even now, I  
  
feel guilty because there was no one there to help my bud  
  
when that bitch bit him, killed him. Today gave me little  
  
hope. I think I'll see him again someday.  
  
# #  
  
Well, it's been awhile. I'm old. Well, not so old. I  
  
feel old though. It's been a long road. I'm getting  
  
married. I can't believe it. In less than 20 minutes,  
  
I'll be hitched. It's different than it was with Anya. I  
  
miss her sometimes. I wonder where she is now.I  
  
wonder what we would have ended up like? Angel   
  
and Cordelia are here. Remember that thing about   
  
not having any guy friends? Still don't. Buffy's my  
  
best man. I suppose any other time it would have been  
  
Willow, but she can't be my best man and my bride at the  
  
same time. I had a dream last night. All the people I've  
  
lost were there. My dad came to tell me he was sorry for  
  
mot being a better man for me to follow. Tara was there  
  
and told me to take care of Willow. Mrs Summers called me  
  
a good man. Dawn and Spike were both there and called us   
  
old and said it was about time we got married. I miss them   
  
all, even Spike. And Jesse was there. He told me it wasn't   
  
a dream, that it was real, so maybe it was. He never lied  
  
to me. The demon did a couple of times, but never Jesse.  
  
He said he was proud of me. He said he had been with me  
  
all the time, that I always had a guy friend by my side.   
  
He said "You done good, kid." Before he left,  
  
before all of them left, he turned back to me and told me  
  
to name the boy after him. I don't know what he was  
  
talking about. Surely he didn't mean a son, because  
  
Willow's just about too old to have kids. We've talked  
  
about adopting, so maybe I'll name a boy after him.   
  
I've been lucky to have a friend like him.  
  
# #  
  
It's my honeymoon and I have better things to do than to  
  
be writing in this silly book. I don't even know why I'm  
  
dragging it around with me anymore. I had to write this  
  
though. I know Will thinks I'm nuts. I ran in here and  
  
locked the door so I could do this. He said to name the  
  
boy after him. Willow just told me she's pregnant.   
  
Almost 8 weeks. How did he know? He did know! I know  
  
it'll be a boy. His name'll be Jesse.  
  
(No further entries regarding Jesse were found, except  
  
for numerous mentions of how proud he would have been of  
  
his namesake and the son of his namesake, Jesse Harris  
  
II.) 


End file.
